Here’s an excerpt from How to Avoid Getting Mugged in Rio de Janeiro by Singing Songs by The Police and Other Lesser Known Travel Tips
My friends wanted to go to Tijuana while they were visiting me in Los Angeles. Then things got out of control.
After crossing the walking bridge over the Tijuana River, which serves as both the city’s sewerage outlet and major water supply, a person enters Zona Centro. I count nine strip clubs on the first street. Ten, if I include Déjà Vu Showgirls back on the other side of the river. This is my favorite thing to do when traveling – count.
Within ten minutes of being in Tijuana, the three of us are bored. Any person who is not crazy about buying knickknacks with a Mexican flag on them would be bored. We could have stayed at the Outlet Mall and been as bored, while being closer to the car. I make a joke with Jim that it is a good thing we are not here to watch the mythical Tijuana woman and donkey show.
Jim and Sheilds’ ears prick up.
What is that about a grotesque sex show that allegedly exists somewhere along the pristine streets of Tijuana?
“Do you know where they have it?”
“I have no idea.”
“We have to see it.”
“No, we don’t.”
“Yes, we do. We are going.”
“We are not going to sit through a fucking matinee of a woman getting amorous with a donkey.”
“Yes, we are.”
“Explain to me again why we are mates, Sheilds?”
The mere idea of the existence of a woman and donkey show churns my stomach. This is Tijuana’s legend. A dirty, disgusting myth that should only arouse blind drunk sailors and animal activists. But Jim and Sheilds are all over it like white on rice. These two deviants were made for each other.
I try to explain to them that it is a fable. Like the lost gold city of El Dorado, the resting place of Noah’s Ark, or the now uninteresting Bermuda triangle. However, the genie is out of the bottle. They insist we are going to find it and watch.
For God’s sake, why?
An important tip to remember when traveling in a group that is looking to find a cheap thrill. Make sure the weird sexual proclivities of all members are closely aligned. Or, if a person is as boring as I am, only travel with people who have been desexed.
Sheilds and Jim do not seem to understand, or care. If this show really existed, its story would not be shrouded in a veil of mystery, now would it? It is certainly not marked on any of the maps of walking tours of Tijuana.
“We need to get out of the main tourist area, then.”
“Hell no,” I scream. “If I can’t be so close to the border that when I yell ‘help,’ a US marine is within earshot, we do not go a fucking step further.”
“Pussy.”
“Pussy.”
These two are paying no mind to the inherent dangers of being in the most dangerous city on earth. The town with the world’s highest murder rate per capita. They are adamant that no cost is too high to find the club that has the women and donkey show.
“We are on an adventure.”
Here’s the blurb
Australian author Simon Yeats, who from an early age learned that the best way to approach the misfortunes of this world is to laugh about it.
Simon shares his comedic insights into the unusual and uproarious elements of living life as an Aussie ex-pat and having a sense of Wanderlust as pervasive as the Bubonic Plague in the 1300s.
From what to do when several people converge to rob you after midnight on a deserted Copacabana Beach, to how to save the Sierra Mountain Range from a wildfire outbreak due to a lack of quality toilet paper, to where not to go in Tijuana when trying to locate the origins to stories of the city’s mythical adult entertainment, to how to save yourself from drowning when caught in a storm while sailing off the California coast.
Simon Yeats has gone into the world and experienced all the out of the ordinary moments for you to sit back and enjoy the experience without the need to lose an eye or damage your liver.
Purchase Links
https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Mugged-Janeiro-Singing-Police-ebook/dp/B0CPCBMD1N/
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Getting-Mugged-Janeiro-Singing-Police-ebook/dp/B0CPCBMD1N/
Meet the author
Simon Yeats has lived nine lives, and by all estimations, is fast running out of the number he has left. His life of globetrotting the globe was not the one he expected to lead. He grew up a quiet, shy boy teased by other kids on the playgrounds for his red hair. But he developed a keen wit and sense of humor to always see the funnier side of life.
With an overwhelming love of travel, a propensity to find trouble where there was none, and being a passionate advocate of mental health, Simon’s stories will leave a reader either rolling on the floor in tears of laughter, or breathing deeply that the adventures he has led were survived.
No author has laughed longer or cried with less restraint at the travails of life.
Connect with the author
TIK TOK – https://www.tiktok.com/@authoryeats
INSTAGRAM – https://www.instagram.com/authoryeats/?hl=en
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MJ Porter 